


That One Word

by ThatLizard



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Awkward Crush, Feelings, Graduation, Growing Up, Growing up kinda sucks, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Secret Crush, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:40:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27087232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatLizard/pseuds/ThatLizard
Summary: Sugawara never knew that what had been going on (and breaking his heart) for the better part of his final year of high school had a name. Much less that it could be described using only one word; the most succinct word known to mankind, no less.Mamihlapinatapai:A look that without words is shared by two people who want to initiate something, hoping that either will offer to do something which both parties desire but are unwilling to start.Because high school was ending in a matter of weeks; he was going off to University and would be very busy, and Daichi would be just as busy with his own training, so what would even be the point to say what they knew would never be?
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	That One Word

It was hard to clearly pinpoint when things started. He had been drawn to him ever since the very first time he saw the drive that the boy that would become the captain of Karasuno's Volleyball Club put into helping assemble a team without a coach to lead them and with a teacher that seemed to have absolutely no clue of what volleybal was meant to look like. That admiration soon mixed with a strong sense of camaraderie that only grew with every single practice session they had, and slowly bled out of the court and into his day to day life, with Kōshi finding himself spending lunchtime and breaks with that other boy. 

They became good friends before their first year of high school came to an end, and it was only natural for them to gravitate towards each other without thinking about it all through the summer holidays and into the following school year. By winter break, Daichi was by all means the best friend he had ever had. By the end of their second year of high school, they were completely inseparable.

That was all jolly good, as Suga had been told time and time again that high school friendships were amongst the best he would have in his life, and that the friends he was making then would shape the way he saw the world and lived his life even after they lost contact upon adulthood. He felt very blessed to have the friends he had made thanks to his involvement in the boy's volleyball club, as he would have never met any of the amazing people he now held close to his heart without it, but the closer graduation came, the more Sugawara started wondering if things would be a little easier for him if he hadn't allowed so many people so close to his heart.

The preemptive nostalgia for his high school days started settling in around the end of February, amidst the intense practice days leading up to the Spring Tournament, when the vice-captain realised how much Hinata and Kageyama's game had improved: it made his heart hurt knowing that he wouldn't be there much longer to see how their strategy and insane dynamics continued to flourish in their following two years of schooling.

Ever since that day, Kōshi couldn't help but feel _just a little sad_ whenever he thought about their impending graduation. He understood life wasn't static and things had a habit of falling into place after a little bit of change, he was excited about his upcoming studies and the career that would unfold from there, yet he couldn't help but feel his heart fall a bit when he realised that he would never have what he did at the moment again.

It was relatively easy to ignore most of the time, as he was able to tell himself that he had loved every single second of his time in high school and that -if thought logically- he was likely to find people he would like just as much when he got to University. And really, it wasn't like everyone he had ever known from Karasuno High School would immediately self-combust the second he graduated: he would still see his friends and underclassmen for meals out and friendly games in the community gym. They would text and call and meet up every once in a while. Sure, he wouldn't see them everyday anymore and that would suck, but it should be fine in time.

What _would not_ be alright in time was the distinct absence of Daichi that his life after graduation would have. Suga had become used to having the captain by his side pretty much all day, as quite often they would walk to school together, go to all their classes together, train together and walk home together. Part of him was amazed by the fact that they had been pulling those _all-day marathonic encounters_ for the better part of two years without growing sick of each other, but the other part of him was quick to tell himself that there was _no way_ he would ever grow sick of being with Sawamura.

Sugawara was perceptive enough to realise that at some point during their last year as teammates, something had changed between him and the captain of their team. First came the strong sense that they were perfectly in sync with one another: he didn't necessarily mean it in court, like Hinata and Kageyama seemed to be, but rather in _life._ Daichi always knew when something was worrying him and would comfort him and help him get out of his own head, and he did his very best to help the dark-haired boy in the same way.  
  
Kōshi knew that being there for each other wasn't a new event and was the cornerstone of a strong friendship, so it _shouldn't_ be ringing alarm bells within his mind as it didn't necessarily mean _anything._ And then came the sustained (and perhaps not entirely appropriate) glances exchanged between the both of them, followed by the awkward little smile they shared when it was evident the other had caught them staring.

The third (and, frankly, most alarming) thing he had noticed happened over one of their many study sessions, when Asahi had asked them to pass him a certain pastel blue highlighter to mark a particularly troublesome bit of his chemistry notes. Being the kind and helpful person he was, Suga had gone ahead to get the marker for him; he had not been counting on the fact that Daichi was equally kind and helpful and had decided to do the same thing. Their hands clumsily clashed against each other's, unleashing a rush of electricity up his arm and a myriad of butterflies in his stomach before he could have the presence of mind to pull his hand away with an awkward chuckle and an _'oops'_ before the captain could hand that marker to their ace and pretend to focus on studying.

The whole encounter had definitely lasted less than a second, but the aftershocks didn't leave Sugawara's body until he was back home and in bed, as it seemed the embers of whatever explosion that clumsy brush had lit kept being reignited every time his eyes met Daichi's all through that study session. It was through those awkward glances that he realised that the same turmoil seemed to be messing with Sawamura's head.  
  
They had _both_ felt it, without a shadow of a doubt.

What came next should be obvious: one of them would muster up the courage and pull the other boy to a private space to talk, pour out their feelings and be happily corresponded by the other one. They would talk, awkwardly share a tender hug or perhaps a small and uncertain kiss,and then life would be forever perfect and they would have a beautiful _best-friends-turned-to-lovers_ story to tell to whoever asked. 

Except that life didn't often work like a movie.

After a few days of anxious anticipation and high hopes turned into a handful of weeks of wondering whether he had misread the situation and was willfully projecting his own inner turmoil onto the captain given the lack of action. Eventually, he understood he hadn't misread anything, as the looks and smiles and _everything_ was still there, clear as day. It was just a matter of waiting for the right time, and Sugawara wasn't worried; he was patient, and he knew he could manage a bit longer of that odd limbo in which they existed.

All his plans came to a grinding halt when he saw _the look_ in Daichi's eyes. It took him a little while to realise what exactly the look in those big chocolate eyes was trying to tell him whenever they met his own. They were full of kindness and yearning and an indescriptible amount of something that was way too close to heartache. It was during the break between Modern Japanese and English that he realised exactly what the look meant:

_"I know. Me too. But I can't."  
_

Suga didn't need words to understand what _the look_ meant and how it impacted what could have been. He felt exactly the same way, as a matter of fact: he would have loved to know what being together _like that_ would have felt like, but he understood that the time for it had already passed them by and that there was absolutely no way around it. Putting what they both knew to be true into words would only kickstart their heartbreak, as their time together had an expiration date that was rapidly approaching and there was nothing they could do about it. It would be kinder to part ways as friends that could hope to remain in each other's life long term than to have a go at romance that would fizzle out between university entrance exams and the new lives they were about to start living. 

The weeks that followed the realisation were bittersweet. Graduation day was so close they could taste it, and everyone in their class knew it: exams came and went, teachers began to get poetic talking about the great futures ahead of them, and people started to get excited as everyone got a clearer idea of where their lives were heading once their formative years wrapped up as friends swore they would stay in contact. It was all leading up to the end of their school years.

The big day arrived before anyone felt ready for it, almost as if it had sneaked up on them regardless of the fact that the fated date had been known to all for months. As they trickled into the auditorium in beautifully ironed trousers and pristine gakurans ready to start the rest of their lives, the aura of relief and nervousness was apparent to everyone in the hall.

Sugawara stood there with a mixture of feelings clutched tight to his chest. On the one hand, it was exhilarating: he had worked so hard on his exams and assignments, and it felt as though his future was _just there_ , wide and open in front of him and ready for him to start writing the life he wanted to live for himself. On the other hand, though, it was terrifying: it meant growing up and away from everything he had known so far, with the weight of the unknown heavy upon his shoulders.

The graduation ceremony felt rather bland in his opinion, with the principal and a handful of teachers talking about how well they had all done as they were unleashed into _the real world_ with words that didn't really resonate with any of the newly-minted young adults. The one thing in Suga's mind was how happy he had been within the halls of this high school and how much he was going to miss the timid giant and slightly scary ex-captain that had been by his side through all of it.

Having three years of his life wrap up neatly with a lovely certificate with his name in his hand seemed _odd._ It almost felt as if some earth-shattering change was meant to happen, with how much of a fuss everyone was making around it, but right then nothing seemed to have changed. 

"Congratulations." he heard a deep voice he knew well speak right behind him. Sugawara turned around to see Daichi standing there with the calmest eyes, a gentle smile and a perfectly spotless school uniform.

"You know you've graduated too, _right?"_ he offered playfully as he thought that congratulating each other about it felt odd. They had gotten there together, after all.

"Ah, so _that_ 's what this whole thing was about!" Daichi said with a slightly amused chuckle. "Thanks for clarifying, Sugawara. What would I do without you?"

"I know, I know. You're welcome." he eased out, careful to not let the other boy know how much those words had struck a nerve. What _was_ he going to do without _him?_

Silence fell between them for a moment as both of them pondered the possible implications of what walking out of that auditorium would mean: no more walks to and from school or study sessions, no guaranteed ten minute break between classes to chat, no training camps and no volleyball. It was hard to think of _anything_ that remained.

 _This_ was the earth-shattering event Sugawara had been anticipating as part of their graduation.

"Congratulations too. We did it." Kōshi said to try and keep themselves from getting too wrapped up in the heartbreak they had never named but that clearly weighed on their hearts.

"Yeah... it was a good year. I can't believe how far we've made it with the team: from Flightless Crows to top of our game... In a way I wish we could have one more year." Daichi said, knowing that there was another reason between them to wish they had more time. Oh, the things they could have done if they only had another year.

There were so many things Suga wished he could say, but he simply knew that opening his mouth would be a risky endeavour at the moment. They were surrounded by students celebrating their success, parents, teachers and people they weren't even sure who they were, so this wasn't exactly the right place to share _a moment._ Especially not the type of moment that they should have arguably shared in private and several months ago.

It was in the midst of that wordless limbo that Sugawara's body seemed to spring to life on its own with what seemed to be the only acceptable way to wrap up their school days _and_ that conversation that was another ciphered exchange in its own right. This wasn't the first time both boys had hugged each other with raw emotion running through their system: they had hugged in celebration after a big win and in defeat after a devastating loss, they had shared a couple of _borderline over the top_ hugs while laughing themselves to tears after dabbling on underage drinking when they had the wondrous idea of swapping the contents of a bottle of sake with water and hoping Daichi's dad didn't find out. They had hugged many times in the past, and yet this time it felt... _different._

Suga closed his eyes as his arms wrapped around his friend's impeccable gakuran while feeling the captain's arms around his own form, taking in every second of that hug and stretching it in his mind as much as he could, aware that he would want to remember as much as possible once the moment was gone.

One breath and the moment was over just as suddenly as it had begun: just a few moments of warmth and a feeling of wholeness while in each other's arms before having to part from each other. Kōshi took a deep breath as arms slowly retracted from their position around each other and gave himself permission to look into Daichi's eyes, getting momentarily lost in those calm and kind mirrors that allowed him to see the longing he felt reflected back at him.

He smiled, feeling confident in their unspoken conversation and the understanding it built between them even without words. Because there was no word in the world that could describe what they both felt and understood, but in that moment of silence, they both knew exactly where they stood: an ending that would be a new beginning. Uncertainty. Life. A quiet second in which _nothing_ became _everything._

**Author's Note:**

> So, I heard about the word Mamihlapinatapai, thought about it too much and then this happened ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Even though I quite liked the angsty _'OMG, life ends after graduation, I just know it.'_ deal Suga has got going on in here, I think I would be interested in writing a second part for this and prove to this boys that life _does_ go on an that _maybe_ starting a relationship while continuing education is not impossible...
> 
> _Thanks a bunch for reading! ♡♡_


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